


Hide and Seek

by eternalmurasaki



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: M/M, internal musing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:55:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25251217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternalmurasaki/pseuds/eternalmurasaki
Summary: Tonight is one of those nights where something doesn't feel right. Where this feels like a play he wasn't supposed to play in - or maybe hewassupposed to, initially. It's just that something about the plot feels off.Is life supposed to feel like a plot?***Armie musing.[Very little ship content]
Relationships: Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Hide and Seek

Familiar ground can be reassuring.

Familiar faces, familiar sounds. Familiar loved ones - familiar absences.

Armie closes his eyes for a few moments as their guests compliment Elizabeth on the dinner they just shared. Tonight is one of those nights where something doesn't feel right. Where this feels like a play he wasn't supposed to play in - or maybe he _was_ supposed to, initially. It's just that something about the plot feels off.

Is life supposed to feel like a plot?

***

Sometimes Armie feels like he lives in two separate worlds. One where he meets everyone's expectations and is always smiling. Another one, where behind all the warm smiles he feels hollow inside, hiding in plain sight.

Armie cannot tell exactly where this discomfort comes from - because he _has_ to be happy, right? Isn't this what he always wanted? What can possibly be missing??

The number of times he has tried to convinced himself he _is_ happy and that he is just occasionally losing his mind is getting scary.

Nothing is missing. _Nothing_.

_You know what is, though. You don't even need to voice it._

Armie squeezes his eyes shut and slowly exhales. He isn't even surprised at this point that it's Luca's voice that is echoing in his mind.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

He'll be okay, he can do this. He loves her, he really does.

There is nothing else he needs to seek for - family and friends are all he needs.

***

Armie wishes he didn't feel like part of him was stuck in time.

They're not in Crema anymore, everyone has moved on. No one else feels like they left a piece of themselves there, do they?

_No._

Armie swallows.

_They don't, because they don't have the baggage you have. They didn't need to unwrap layers over layers of doubt. They didn't need to use the movie to discover themselves and learn to accept intricacies that had been left ignored - or worse: insulted - for way too long._

Of course it wouldn't be Luca's voice speaking here - Armie stays the king of self depreciation.

His throat suddenly feels dry. He swallows again and stares into the room's darkness, all hope for sleep lost.

***

_Timmy: 'armiie. How r u doing? Wish you were in LA. Miss you'_

Armie smiles at his screen.

_Armie: 'miss you too.'_

He briefly wonders how to answer the rest of the question but after letting his thumb hover over his keyboard for way too long, he gives up. Time to go check up on the kids anyway.

Two hours later, he picks up his phone again and sees he missed a call.

_Timmy: 'busy I guess?'_

Busy figuring out his life, but he can't exactly say that through text, right?

_Armie: 'you know how it is here. You good?'_

_Timmy: '_ 👍 _'_.

***

Being unable to tell what exactly is wrong is frustrating. He sometimes wonders if he should see a therapist, but is a little terrified of what he would find out.

Aren't silly, ridiculous secrets best left untouched?

_They aren't silly._

There goes Luca's voice again... damn, Armie misses him. Misses feeling that every part of him that he always hated or was ashamed of was worth loving.

Oh Luca, Armie tells himself. These are not silly secrets. They are awful secrets that are going to take him to hell - and suddenly it's hard to breathe.

 _Fuck_ , no. Not that again. Armie definitely doesn't believe that - but how does one silence words that have been repeated to him over and over again as he grew up ? 

His eyes are prickling -because he knows his parents would never accept him if they knew.

If they knew that he isn't straight.

Inhale.

Exhale.

He _isn't straight._

There, he voiced it to himself.

Maybe one day he'll find the strength to tell someone else - but saying it to himself already feels like a big step. Luca would probably be proud of him. _'You should be proud of yourself too,'_ he'd say.

Armie wipes a tear away and promises to himself that he won't always be alone in this.

_Timmy: 'Elio elioelioelioelioElio. Call me?'_

Armie smiles wetly at his screen. No, he really won't be alone.

 _Armie: 'Later ;)_ ❤ _'_

Timmy won't need to know how big of a part he played in this slow discovery.

And Luca won't even need to ask, will he?

Inhale.

Exhale.

One day, a new page will begin. One day, when it won't feel scary anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I need to make myself write more often and since I'm thinking a lot about Armie lately...  
> ❤.  
> Best wishes to them.
> 
> Thank you for reading ❤


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